Rulebook for babysitting the Sevilles
by cuyslave18
Summary: If Dave ever needed to go out for some reason, would a babysitter know what to do? The chipmunks take turns making rules until it becomes a very competitive humiliation contest. Rated K for lack of everything that could move it up a rating. Descriptions make it possibly in either the CG film universe or the CG cartoon universe. Reader's choice
1. All together now: Rules 1-10

Hello! I love the spontainety and randdom tidbits form the rules fanfics. So, I decided to do one of my own, since many lose that quality when too many OCs are added (I'm looking at you KiBoy).

 **1.** **Never give the chipmunks caffeine**

Theodore:Alvin had one of those little energy drinks and attacked -

Brittany: _TMI Theodore!_ He also went to the vet for poisoning after poison control said they only help humans...

Simon: I could not see straight for several weeks after a half a cup of coffee.

Brittany: Your glasses had the wrong prescription and you barely slept. Go figure.

Simon: _I slept fine, thank you._ We were just overworked. Sleep cannot fix that.

 **2\. Never use "nerd" or affiliated words unless you are eating the Wonka candy**

Eleanor: Especially Alvin or Brittany

Brittany: Why? My sister's the biggest freaking nerd in the world!

Alvin: My brother can _beat_ your sister at geek. _Big time_

Brittany: Well, my sister can _out-dork your brother_!

Alvin: I'm pretty sure only some child prodigies can do that.

Brittany: _Really?_ I think you are wrong on that one.

Alvin: Google "people with Iqs over 162"

^half an hour later^

Brittany: Well, let's see. There's some kids from China who can do the level of math and science he knows, but...

Jeanette: ^walks in the room^

Alvin: Girl dork!

Jeanette: ^walks away feeling hurt^

Jeanette: ^cries^

Simon: At least we get a candy named after us. But please _don't use the word again_. Unless you are telling someone about eating the candy

 **3\. No more new encyclopedias!**

Jeanette: Why? They are fun and can help my sisters with homework

Brittany: We can't freaking understand a word in there!

Eleanor: I can only understand part of it. Those are _not normal encyclopedias_. Trust me, I've seen normal ones before

Simon: They are a great activity to bond over

Alvin: I'm pretty sure he has a ten-volume one just on chemical bonds!

Simon: It is a very fascinating subject

Brittany: But you don't need _ten freaking volumes_ on the topic!

Jeanette: We actually use them in the lab often. They were a great investment

Eleanor: Is 500 dollars on encyclopedias a great investment?

Simon: They were originally close to seven thousand dollars and for commercial use

Alvin: I'm going to throw one at you, while we are on a freaking commercial!

Simon: That is not what I meant

^several days later^

Jeanette: We just got these! They are so great

Simon: We got some on Craigslist. The rest were at the estate sale of a graduate professor

Alvin: Is there a website called ?

Brittany: We told you not to get more!

Jeanette: You told us to not get _new_ encyclopedias...

Simon: ...so we got _used_ ones instead!

Brittany: That is not what I meant!

 **4\. Feel free to snoop in the cabinents at night**

Alvin: Theodore and Eleanor are not allowed to have late-night snacks

Simon: For once in my life, I actually agree with him

Eleanor: But we get woken up, because _we are so hungry_!

Brittany: Lemme guess, Theodore is going to try the puppy eyes again?

Eleanor: No, he's getting a snack right now

Brittany: Since in any way does anything you two eat outside of meals count as a _snack_?

Eleanor: Well, since it is _outside of a meal_ , it is a snack

Brittany: Since when does eating two large bags of chips count as a _snack size_?

Eleanor: Since most humans eat a whole bag for a snack, it is fair

Theodore: ^comes back in area^ Toby has done it!

Brittany: But you are like five feet shorter than him,and you two are already overweight

Simon: I really only enforce this rule because I'm in charge of the weekly budget

Alvin: Those two ate the last bag of the tzatziki ***** Lays!

Brittany: I think they ate _all but one bag_ out of what we bought. And Toby ate half of that

Simon: Why not make tzatziki and put it on your chips?

Brittany: Because they eat all of the chips

Jeanette: What about the cucumber and strained youghurt?

Brittany: The only thing they left was the yoghurt

Simon: And this is why Dave makes me check the budget several times a day, every day

 **5\. Seal all of the cracks in the wall**

Simon: Why?

Brittany: We use them to travel around the house. Why would someone _do_ that?

Eleanor: Probably since he _doesn't_ like our friends

Theodore: ...or when they come over

Alvin: So got the message that the wall was closed.

Jeanette: Let alpha rat know. He lives in the dumpster near the In-and-out on Pine Street

Toby: _Exactly_ why Dave made this rule. They invite _literal_ rats over that _literally_ eat garbage. And they're actually the _best_ guests. You should see what those voles did to my gaming systems. I had replace my X-box _four_ freaking times this month! _Four_!

Simon: Ummm...Toby? The shrews and voles are _much_ cleaner than you. And they live in a heavy-defecation route. The guinea pigs have _better_ breath despite eating their own cecal poops every seven minutes ******

Alvin: Your room smells _much_ worse than a fast food dumpster

 **6\. Toby must bathe and change his clothes at least once a week**

Alvin: Wow, this is the second rule I've liked!

Brittany: Agreed!

Jeanette: So, our rule breakers like one-third of our rules

Simon: If the rule is _not_ more restrictive, he may have to bathe in tomato juice while in a vinegar solution

Theodore: He's smellier than that one mean skunk Alvin dated

Alvin: Stop telling people that I dated a _skunk_!

Theodore: But you dated at least five of them. No, I think five were black-and-white...

Alvin: Just _stop_ it!

Theodore: Do you want me to tell about how you dated a garden snake?

Alvin: No Theodore! _No_!

Simon: ^wearing an apparatus for a functional gas mask while waving the UN flag^Hey, Toby! Urban China called. It wants its _smell_ record back! And its smog one, for the record. Your room's smog can _beat_ New Delhi's-

Toby: Enough. I _get_ it! I'll take a _shower_!

Simon: You also broke the Geneva convention of 1922, which, by the way, was _not_ signed by Germany at the time, or your great-grandfathers!

Alvin: Who _cares_ about international treaties anyway?

Simon: Everyone. Especially since the president broke _two_ within a month in office. I suspect Toby will be the US' newest bioweaponry

 **7\. Never tell Simon and Jeanette they need to learn more about something**

Alvin: Rule number three will be broken

Brittany: And my sanity! Jeanette gave me a _three-hour_ lecture about the diffrence between fish and lizard scales after I did this. And that was the _short_ version!

Alvin: That's not too bad. I _simply_ asked 'why is the sky blue'. He taked about it for _forty-eight_ frickin' hours. And he wasn't even finished yet!

 **8\. Alvin can never leave the house alone**

Alvin: Why?

Simon: I cannot even trust you _in_ the house with others. Nobody wanted to see my prototype for the 'jerk' cage

Alvin: What's that?

Simon: Never mind. I was planning on using a microchip connected a 2D viewer

Alvin: What?

Simon: It even offers a variety of deterrents, including those that do not need to be installed in you

Alvin: So a shock-collar. I _hope_ it comes in red

 **9\. If you are planning on a movie night, make a lot of popcorn. And by a lot, we mean rent a commercial air popper**

Eleanor: But it tastes _so_ good

Brittany: Do you ever feel full? Just a question, because _all_ you can talk about is food

Eleanor: I talk about other stuff like...

Brittany: _Cooking_ counts

Eleanor: Never mind then...

Alvin: Theodore, can you please stop eating the popcorn?

Theodore: It tastes good. And I'm _still_ hungry

Alvin: When are you not hungry?

Theodore: What are you talking about?

Alvin: Okay..this is awkward. How can you eat that entire bowl by yourself (points to 2 gallon mixing bowl)...?

Jeanette: And I thought _Eleanor_ ate a lot. Theodore kept filling his bowl every ten minutes, but Eleanor waited _twice_ that to refill the same sized bowl

 **10\. Do not try to make a cheezy pun by saying "squeak dreams" to the chipmunks**

Dave: I thought it would be cute, but they actually squeak, which actually is slightly higher than their singing voices, which sounds impossible, but is not

Alvin: Dave!

Dave: They kept squeaking all night. They thought it meant "squeak all night so Dave can have peaceful dreams"

Theodore: I thought that "sweet dreams" meant going to sleep while eating candy

Dave: That explains the candy wrappers around your and Eleanor's beds...

Eleanor: So we thought that _squeak_ dreams meant falling asleep while _squeaking_

Dave: I was only able to hear some of you, but for some reason I could not hear Jeanette or Theodore

Simon: It seems difficult for humans to hear them even talk, but Jeanette is within the same octave as her sisters, therefore she must have gone to sleep quickly. But...now that you think about it I heard Theodore all night because he could not sleep. It might just be human hearing Dave

Dave: What do you mean?

Simon: Accounting for how high-frequency his talking voice is, around one and a half times the girls'...the fans couldn't hear him when he did that solo once. It might be possible that his squeaking is supersonic to you, and sometimes his singing when he's nervous or hit a high note, which I do _not_ recommend to do for your sake because not only is it a great way to make anyone's ears bleed, but it also breaks all of the windows, even safety glass. Come to think of it, I am likely the only one who cannot break glass while talking.

Dave: So _that's_ what happened to my porcelain dishes.

 ***** Tzatziki sauce is a savory Greek sauce which is made with cucumber, yoghurt (the Greek kind, duh!) and herbs. The pronuncuation is right in the spelling. It is not "taziki"! (pronunciation rant as a third-generation Greek-American)

 ****** Yes, guinea pigs eat their own poop every seven minutes, or 200 in a day. I know that because I have one waiting for a companion. These cecal poops are unlike regular poops in that they are basically multivitamins. The guinea pig eats these poops to redigest certain nutrients that did not get absorbed. Not only is id healthy and natural, it is also necessary for his or her health. If you were curious about the regular poop count...go look on


	2. Responsible and Reasonable: Rules 11-20

Simon and Eleanor were on the smartphone when an email alert came up. "What could this be about?" she asked.

"Dear everyone,

I need you to add more rules since I will be out of town for the weekend in a few weeks. Anyone can contribute except Alvin, since he does not follow then anyway.

Thanks,

Dave"

Eleanor smirked at Simon before saying, "You are so good with rules, why don't you write a whole section by yourself?"

Simon replied, "Possibly, I just have so much going on between the science olympiad and the math team that I might not have time."

Eleanor said that she could help, so they started writing the list together.

 **11\. Do not let _anyone_ play console games**

Simon: I _still_ remember that time Alvin shattered the television screen during Wii Bowling

Brittany: Remember when _you_ nearly broke the PS2 remote because _you_ couldn't see the screen and thought we were still on the mini game in Dragon Ball? *****

Simon: I can never see the screen regardless. I specifically asked you to let Jeanette and I know about round changes

Alvin: Didn't the background music change?

Simon: No, not even during the mini game

 **12\. Ignore Alvin if he randomly sings**

Alvin: heaven ain't close in a place like this, I said uh heaven ain't close in a place like this...

Brittany: I just _really hate_ the Killers

Alvin:..bring it back now, bring it back now tonight

Alvin: I got room with you and any way

Brittany: Please _don't_

Alvin: And somebody told me, that you had a boyfriend who looks like a girlfriend, in February of last year

Brittany: He does it for attention

 **13\. Do not sympathise with Alvin when he gets in trouble**

Brittany: These rules are getting harder

Alvin ^in punishment crate^ The long and winding road, that leads to your door, I always travel here, I've seen that road before

Simon: Should I get the Mishkya ****** cage?

Brittany: He's not _that_ dumb

Alvin: Don't leave me standing here, lead me to your door

Brittany: Please get it Simon

Simon: ^goes down to lab^

Alvin: Many times I've been alone, and many times I've cried

 **14\. Do not use self-defence in school**

Simon: I learned this the hard way. Alvin has not learned yet in any way

Alvin: But remember when Theodore was getting bullied?

Simon: You mean every day?

Alvin: That one time...

Simon: Which one do you mean? We have been in school for two years, Alvin. That is more than 360 days

Alvin: The time Ryan and the boys...

Simon: Can you be more specific? They do it multiple times a day

Alvin: ?

Simon: The humans get the wrong message

 **15\. Alvin cannot sleep alone**

Alvin: Why? I have my own bed

Simon: I do not want you getting into any shenanigans while we are asleep

Theodore: I don't want to be woken up. Let me sleep

Simon: We do not have desks anyway, so my bed is now my desk

Alvin: So you're then one who strangles me in my sleep

Simon: ?

Alvin: You try to kill me every night...

Simon: To be fair, you deserve it

Alvin: Hey!

 **16\. Alvin cannot attend school sports games**

Alvin: Why?

Brittany: I love seeing the cheerleaders, most of them are my friends

Simon: You keep yelling and jeering to the point where everyone else on the bleachers is visibly embarrassed

Alvin: They're doing it too!

Eleanor: I don't think you should take your insults from Simon. Ryan was mad at you for a month after you called him a _melanin-deficient, melanoma-ridden Anglophone_ from the sidelines

Simon: I did not mention melanoma, nor do I have any idea where Alvin got it from. I mentioned sunburns, which increase the risk of skin cancers in general

 **17\. Do not let Let it Bleed and Let it Be play similtaneously**

Eleanor: It lets ears bleed, but doesn't let them be

Simon: Alvin thought the perfect compromise was whatever letters were left in the Stones' version after taking out the word be *******

Alvin: Let it led, let it led, let it led, let it led

Jeanette: The poor syntax makes me stressed

 **18\. Everyone must finish their homework for the next day before having fun**

Simon: This rule is really meant for Alvin, everyone else does it

Brittany: Does this apply when you and Jeanette have fun doing homework?

Simon: I am not sure, Eleanor wrote the title of this one

Eleanor: I meant to do write _do their own thing_ , but that was too long

 **19\. Curfew for everyone is 7 o'clock**

Alvin: Why? There's so much to do

Eleanor: Dave made me in charge of enforcing curfew, so I can set the time. I thought it would be easier if it was two hours before lights-out

Brittany: My little sister does a decent job, but Simon would have the curfew be close to four o'clock

Eleanor: In the afternoon?

Brittany: Yes

 **20\. Always keep the Alvin police squad fully charged**

Brittany: How do you charge a police squad?

Jeanette: They are drones

Alvin: Let me guess, Simon built them

Jeanette: Not really, he just programmed them to receive GPS signals

Alvin: So I have a chip? ^unplugs APS^

Simon: ^comes into room^I told you to keep these charged

Jeanette: They also have mechanical limbs to bring you home, Alvin. We bought them from an Amazon pilot program when they were updating their drones

Simon: I had to add a steel coating and rubber grips in order to strengthen those limbs, since you originally escaped from them

 ***** This is referring to a mini game that exists in the loading main game on one Dragonball Z game for PS2. In the minigame, you use the nunchuck of the remote to reduce the mass of pink creatures and the faster you do it, the better. My brother, a Dragonball superfan, had this among several games

 ****** The main character in Dostoevsky's The Idiot, Prince Mishkya. Mishkya is a mild diminutive of Dmitri, and the use of a diminutive name as automatic indicates his lack of experience, knowledge or extreme fondness to others

 ******* The Rolling Stones (the band) are often referred to as _the Stones_ by classic rock fans. The title song of the album of the same name is a spoof of the Beatles _Let it Be,_ and released in 1971

 **Author's note: Please send me more rules! I need your help. I will take any and all ideas**


	3. The revenge of the egos: Rules 21-30

Alvin decided to break the rules by making some. He had the family smartphone as he relaxed on the couch. Brittany came over from the scrabble game on the coffee table.

"I see they're winning, huh?" Alvin said.

"They can tell by the ink imprint what letters they have," she replied. "And yes, they are winning."

"Are they cheating?" Alvin asked.

"No, they are sticking with the seven-letter rule and are still coming out with words our English teacher wouldn't know," Brittany replied, fixing her ponytail. "What are you doing?"

"Writing rules for the babysitter," Alvin replied.

"Are these for your benefit?" she asked.

"Kinda," he replied. "It is how to deal with my brothers."

"Cool," she replied. "I will join you and add my sisters."

 **21\. Please don't ask Jeanette read to you**

Eleanor: But I fall asleep faster

Brittany: She considers a _physiology textbook_ a bedtime story

Theodore: It's not as bad as Simon's bedtime stories. I guess they work, though

Alvin: We got _applied astrophysics_ last night

Eleanor: We got Tolstoy *****

Theodore: I like that idea better. It's more interesting than applied astrophysics

Brittany: The names are _so_ confusing! And there's _so much_ talk

Alvin: Was it War and Peace? Simon read that to us once, and we were like _why are you reading it in frickin' Russian? The book is in English_

Eleanor: Brittany, your description could describe any Russian novel made in the 19th century

 **22\. Ignore Jeanette and Simon when they read**

Alvin: They read aloud to make up for their crappy eyesight

Brittany: If you sit down to listen for a few minutes, you will find that they are _not_ reading in English

Theodore: I went to ask Simon about something, but he was in an important part of his book

Eleanor: How did you know it was an important part if you couldn't understand him?

Theodore: He had the _leave me alone, I'm reading_ expression on his face. I also got a few scratches

 **23\. Buy circular combination locks for the kitchen cabinets**

Eleanor: You betrayed us!

Theodore: Why do we need those?

Brittany: So you two won't _eat like pigs_

Eleanor and Theodore: Hey! That hurt our feelings

Brittany: Do you eat like pigs or guinea pigs?...Probably real pigs ******

Theodore: ^crying^

Jeanette: Brittany, be nice to them

 **24\. Do not let Simon and Jeanette shop on Ebay**

Jeanette and Simon: Why? They have great finds

Alvin: You bought like _a gallon_ of Civil War sedative *******

Simon: We needed it for an experiment

Alvin: Yeah, it was the _let's see how long it takes to kill Alvin with inhalants_ experiment

Simon: If you mock us again, I _may have_ to suffocate you with WD-40, or Fabreeze, depending on what we have in the house. Maybe Pine-Sol can work if we are out of either of those

 **25\. Eleanor and Theodore are not allowed to cook unless Dave is home**

Eleanor: Why?

Brittany: You fell on the burner and had to go to the vet. You also _couldn't_ get up, which is pretty hard for you two on a regular day

Eleanor: I can get up

Brittany: Both of you, _try_ doing it from a prone position

^several minutes later^

Alvin: They can only do it _if_ they roll on their backs and sit first, but they looked like they were out of breath after

 **26\. They should also be banned from buffets**

Eleanor: This is unfair. It's the one place I can eat as much as I want without judgement

Theodore: And it's less expensive compared to if we order entrees

Brittany: Ugh, _why_ did we think that the Chinese buffet was a good idea again?

Alvin: Because Dave wanted to save money on dinner

Simon: Financially, it makes more sense, health-wise, _not so much_

Jeanette: They should be allowed to eat in peace, Brittany. We do not go out to dinner too often

Brittany: For that exact reason. We are asked to leave often because those two eat like _pigs_. Real _pigs_ would not have to be asked to leave as often as us

 **27\. Take Simon or Jeanette's glasses if they are being too dorky**

Brittany: That's enough, Alvin!

Eleanor: You broke rule 2

Alvin: I'm saving everyone from _dying_ of boredom

Simon: I am not _that_ boring

Alvin: _Yes_ you are

Simon: Remember when I programmed the QR scanner in the smartphone to scan words with voice assist

Alvin: But you did it for like _all_ of the alphabets

Simon: It only reads, it does not translate. It is quite helpful when I have to respond to all of our fanmail

Alvin: Isn't most of it online

Jeanette: ^comes in room^ No, only our American and British ones are. We have to pick up the rest of the letters at the end of the day from the post office, then reply to them all within a few days

Alvin: ^takes Simon and Jeanette's glasses^ How much do we get?

Simon: An average of 200 on a slow day. 500 is more typical, although without my glasses, today's mail will be answered late! I will tell Dave about this, so you get the proper blame by the record company

Jeanette: He won't hire someone else to even help us. Be nice Alvin

 **28\. Quality time with siblings is not a thing in this house**

Eleanor: I think helping Jeanette when she's upset is quality time

Simon: Why is consoling a sibling not quality time?

Alvin: Because that means I, um...we can't have fun

Simon: I am certain that you are the only one who finds your own shenanigans fun

Alvin: If Theodore's willing to help me, he's having fun. Right?

Simon: I know that he only wants the snacks you offer, so he'll do your dirty work for them

 **29\. We are banned from Barnes and Noble. Or any bookshop with a cafe for that matter**

Alvin: Simon thinks their textbook section is a library

Jeanette: Owning textbooks is expensive. Our local library does not have any

Alvin: So you join him?

Jeanette: Yes

Brittany: Eleanor and Theodore try to get a catering order form the cafe because it would be cheaper

Simon: We do not even like coffee

Brittany: The catering order is for pastries

Eleanor: But Tatnuk's are the best ********

 **30\. Group sing-alongs to the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album are banned**

Alvin: Why? It's very fun

Brittany: We can never sing the same track

Jeanette: There's nothing you can't be done

Eleanor: Nothing you can sing that can't be sung

Alvin: Look at the girl with the sun in her eyes, and she's gone

Eleanor: Lovely Rita, meter maid, won't you come and join me

Simon: Got up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head

Alvin: We're Sgt. Pepper's lonely hearts club band, I hope you will enjoy the show

Theodore: You in the garden, digging the weeds, who could ask for more?

Brittany: They are actually worse than the Beatles at this, and I thought the last part of All You Need Is Love was bad

 ***** I used the standard transcription to make the name recognizable, but Anglicisation really messes it up. The proper transcription is _Lyov Nikoláyevich Tolstó_ _y_ (pronounced tolst-oi, not tols-toy). The middle portion is a patronymic, which is also used by the Greeks. My mother has a patronymic in her maiden name. The author mentioned is Russian, hence the statement shortly after that, as his works were originally published in his native tongue.

 ****** I had to make a guinea pig joke again. Guinea pigs eat for 21.5 hours out of a 24 hour day, and cannot go for three hours before dying of starvation. Real pigs can wait for their meals. As mean as it sounds, I use _you eat like a pig_ or _you're such a pig_ as an endearment to my guinea pig. Brittany's comparison is with quantity and not frequency, as done colloquially, therefore her conclusion is actual pigs, miniature ones being about having 30x the body weight as an average guinea pig. As the larger animal, real pigs eat more in quantity. I used the term "real" because _actual pig_ is an insult related to the phrase _eat like a pig_.

 ******* Chloroform, or chloroform hydrochloride, is an early inhalant sedative. It is known today for its high fatality threshold and extensive use during the American civil war in the 1860s. You can actually buy it on Ebay, no joke.

 ******** Tatnuk bookseller is a smaller regional chain in the New England region of the US.


	4. Guess who's back! Rules 31-40

Brittany was on the smarphone late at night. Everyone else had gone to their room. She watched Toby play his video game on the living room TV, since his was destroued.

She asked Alvin as he walked by if he would help her with this set of rules. He declined, going to the bedroom. _It's gonna be a long night_ , she thought.

 **31\. Alvin and I are the _only_ ones who can insult the other four.**

Brittany: I mean it

Simon: That pun is a bit cliche, but I will take it

Eleanor: Because you are so _mean_ , big sister. You called Theodore and I pigs

Brittany: But you are pigs

Jock: Hey, girl fat rat, you are a pig!

Brittany: Only _I_ can say that to my little sister ^attacks jock^

 **32\. Jeanette, you are _not_ doing us a favor by reading us the original version of children's books**

Simon: The last time you read us Peter Pan, Alvin wore leaves and maple sap while trying to jump off of every surface in the house

Eleanor: He also thought that he had the right to murder anyone _for fun_ *****

Simon: Alvin's vet bill went into the hundred thousands, even with insurance coverage

Brittany: The last time she read us Alice's adventures in wonderland, Theodore tried to hide in the sugar container... ******

Alvin: ...during shedding season. Dave hates furry sugar. It took us two hours to get him out, since he was stuck

Eleanor: I cried for _hours_ when she tried to read us the original version of the Little Mermaid, it was so _sad_

Brittany: We _all_ hid under the couch when Jeanette read the original Grimms' Rapunzel

Eleanor: It was so sad that the girl was only worth leafy green vegetables *******! And a mother _so_ young

Brittany: I meant her _tone_ of voice, but _you_ can understand German?

Eleanor: Yeah, _everyone_ but you and Alvin can, but even he can talk at a first-grade level

Alvin: What person would name their kid after _leafy greens_?

 **33\. Keep Eleanor away from the Lord of the Rings trilogy**

Brittany: She's used several quotes to _justify_ how much she eats

Eleanor: ^disrupted from the kitchen^ But what about _second_ breakfast? ********

Brittany: You don't need to eat _four_ large meals a day

Eleanor: I usually eat _six_ meals, not four. It really helps reduce snacking

Brittany: But you are having full sized meals, those are _supposed_ to be mini meals

Eleanor: So do you want to have chips, or not? Because I can eat them if you don't want to

Brittany: I'll have them later, _you_ really don't need the extra weight

 **34\. Pink is the best color**

Eleanor: _Of course_ she wrote this

Simon: I would not be surprised if her clothes came from a fashion doll

Alvin: Or if she uses make-up from _little girls'_ dress up kits

Theodore: She has pink groomer's fur dye in the bathroom *********

Brittany: Don't tell everyone that. I thought you could keep a secret

Theodore: I can't

Eleanor: ^scampering from the bathroom^ Brittany Miller has pink mascara and concealer!

 **35\. Do not mention the Wheek Squad********

Brittany: They babysat us _once_

Alvin: Our little siblings _had_ to go on a diet after those people left

Simon: The Wheek Squad is used to guinea pigs, who have similar eating habits

Alvin and Brittany: You _mentioned_ the Wheek Squad! ^chase him^

 **36\. Or the Geek Squad for that matter**

Alvin: We paid _forty dollars_ for something Simon or Jeanette could do for free

Simon: I am _not_ the instructional technology department

Alvin: Since, _when_?

Brittany: We _tried_ to get those two to work at Best Buy, but they were overqualified

Alvin: What about Apple?

Brittany: It's not like Apple _actually_ has an IT department. They _don't_ care if your _phone_ breaks

Alvin: IBM?

Brittany: They _haven't_ had an IT department since _2005_. I'm still in the process of doing Samsung

Jeanette: _You_ are the one blackmailing us into technology jobs?

 **37\. Alvin is not allowed to go to pawn shops**

Alvin: ?

Simon: Remember when _you_ were in a Parisian jail for a few hours because _you_ had the nerve to bring antique guns that were almost one-third of your size into the EU?

Alvin: But they are Austrian! They should be allowed ***********

Simon: Austria has _definitely_ changed over 200-300 years

Brittany: Alvin bought functional swords and combat knives in his size

Simon: Should we draft him?

Brittany: He's _too_ young to draft and would _never_ pass a fitness test made for humans. Maybe you would be a better fit, since _you_ can deactivate land mines with more efficiency than a trained rat ***********

 **38\. Do not buy me cosmetics that have been tested on other animals**

Brittany: Do you know how sad they are?

Alvin: It's fine, it's being tested on _you_ , not them

Brittany: But before that? If it was found to be dangerous, I should not use it because it could _kill me_ ************

Alvin: It needs to be vegan too

Brittany ^looks at generic pink lipstick^ I am _not_ wearing bugs on my lips! What did _they_ do to you, Proctor and Gamble?

Simon: I have _personally_ sneaked into the testing area of every major company in the US. It looks and smells like Hell

Alvin: How do _you_ know?

Simon: I hacked their network communications to get the results of the toxicity tests on lab subjects. I have the study on carmine if you would like to read it, and the addresses of all testing facilities in the US

Alvin: Lemme guess, you used the data for _Toby's room_ for hell

 **38\. Do not comment of on the irony of me using cruelty-free hygiene and cosmetic products**

Alvin: Looks like that brand _has_ been tested on animals

Brittany: _Really?_ I _had_ Jeanette check this one

Alvin: It's because _you_ are using it

Brittany: That _isn't_ animal testing ^attacks Alvin^

 **39\. Always come to me for fur and fashion advice (hair, I meant hair, not fur)**

Brittany: ^notices that her classmates are going to another girl for advice^

Brittany: Sarah's so bad at this, that her advice only works on Barbies!

^classmates go to Brittany for advice^

Brittany: You over there ^points to girl with ethnic hair^ need more high-quality conditioner in on that head of yours-to keep it healthy

 ***** In the third chapter of the literary work Peter Pan, he is decribed as having wearing skeleton leaves and tree sap while having the ability to fly. In the fifth chapter, the titular character wants to go murder a pirate for fun

 ****** During the Mad Hatter's tea time in the book, one of the guests, a dormouse, is sleeping in the serving container of the cream or sugar, although likely sugar due to drowning risk

 ******* The name Rapunzel is derived from the German word for rampion, a leafy green vegetable. She is basically the bribe used to prevent her parents' death, and named after the item they stole

 ******** A misquote attributed to Bilbo Baggins right before the journey in the prequel. The six meals a day was taken from that book as well

 ********* Yes, there is such a thing as dog-grade fur dye in pink. One of my aunts is a groomer and uses it sparingly on her clients

 ********** The wheek squad, a guinea pig parody of Best Buy's Geek Squad, was not my original idea. I use it to mean people who care for guinea pigs, like owners.

 *********** I took this, a real item, from an episode of Pawn Stars. The size, age, and country of origin are all correct. The idea of sword and combat knife are from my imagination.

 ************ Brittany again jokes about Simon's tech skills, as a way of subtly calling him a "nerd", but also is showing her preference for Alvin, since it is implied that she doesn't really care for Simon as a friend

 ************* Rodents are most commonly used for cosmetics testing due to their small size and quick breeding habits, so since product testing results are not released to the public, it is logical for Brittany to worry about if certain products could kill her


	5. Blonde bombshell: Rules 41-50

_Author's note: I'm back with more rules, but I need your ideas. Comments, PM, anything. I've gotten no suggestions yet. Even if you suggest who should be writing them, I'd take it. I'm going to end up repeating a character now, kind of a revenge chapter for the Alvin and Brittany one. If you've read that one, you noticed two's excessive targeting of their younger siblings. I plan on having a Simon/Jeanette chapter on lab safety, but I'm fresh out of ideas other than that._

Looking on the family smartphone, Eleanor saw Brittany and Alvin's contributions, which were certainly cringe-worthy by her standards. But then again, the contributions targeted her and Theodore. "Four can play this game," she murmured. The only problem was getting him to help her, which was harder than it sounded. With a commitment to no bribery, she set off to find and convince her counterpart.

 **41\. Brittany cannot go to Sephora, Sally Beauty, or Ulta**

Brittany: I _totally_ got a _great_ sale on makeup!

Eleanor: You _don't_ need makeup. You're a chipmunk

Jeanette: Yes, Brittany. How do you keep it on fur anyway?

Simon: You spent $400 on makeup the last time you went

Theodore: It's all pink. How can you wear all of that without looking pink?

Jeanette: _That_ was my question as well

Brittany: Because I eat, sleep, and breathe _pink_!

Eleanor: Guess who has a brand-new set of expensive pink oil pastels?

Jeanette, Simon, and Alvin: We do!

Simon: You _cannot_ succeed at art, so why did you say that?

Alvin: I take it to the _zoo_. Putting lipstick and _lip crayon_ on pigs is an _art_ form

Jeanette: I think he means Suidae pigs, not our youngest siblings *****

Brittany: What's the _difference_ anyway?

 **42\. If you see Brittany in just undershorts, run**

Eleanor: We usually go commando on an everyday basis, but when my sisters and I wear skirts during concerts, we wear undershorts

Alvin: Britt's been trying out to be a Victoria Secret angel for the past _three years_. Why can't she _give up_?!

Brittany: I'm _so_ pretty, I don't know why I've _never_ been accepted into the angels

Simon: Last time I checked, angels were either weird eagle-lion-human-mule hybrids, _or_ appeared as men to humans, and even so, were _not_ naked ******

Jeanette: Simon's right. You _can't_ be an angel because you are female

Brittany: Sexism!

Simon: No one can _become_ a cherubim, they just exist. I have no idea where Martin Luther got that idea from

Jeanette: I have no idea where Martin Luther got involved, but okay *******

 **43\. Do not ask Simon to explain anything**

Theodore: Why am I always hungry?

Simon ^goes to lab^

^five hours later^

Simon: ^explains everything down to the sequencing of several possible genetic causes and their effects^

Theodore: I'm going to get something to eat. I'm getting bored

 **44\. We cannot have RC cars in the house**

Alvin: But I can _drive_!

Eleanor: ...straight into my homework!

Simon: ...into the _lab_

Brittany: …Or into _my vanity_

Jeanette: ...into the bookshelf

Theodore: ...or into the expensive Kitchenmaid electric mixer

 **45\. If you insult Eleanor, you will be kicked to the central valley******

Eleanor: If you insult Theodore, I may have to extend the kick to Sacramento

Alvin ^dazed^ How do you do that?

Eleanor: I tie the offender to a javelin, _then_ I kick the javelin north

Brittany: The last time I insulted her, I ended up in Quebec!

Eleanor: Well, you made me angry, so I ended up using _too_ much force

Jeanette:...and switched to northeast

Alvin: Can we sign her up for the Olympics?

Simon: The last time there was an Olympic javelin throwing competition, it was still the 19th century *********

 **46\. Do not disturb Eleanor or Theodore when they are eating**

Brittany: That means all of the time, right?

Alvin: They wrote this rule, didn't they?

Eleanor: I just want to eat in peace Brittany!

Jeanette: Please, Brittany. Nobody bothers you when you eat snacks

Brittany: But I don't eat snacks as often. Once or twice a day, like normal humans

Simon: _You_ feel satiated after eating, _they_ do not

Alvin: What is sa-tetty

Simon: It's satiety, a feeling of satisfaction typically associated with the consumption of food or drink

 **47\. Eleanor will not wear pink**

Brittany: Why? It's the _best_ color

Eleanor: The last time I wore something with a pink _trim_ , our classmates kept calling me a piglet

Brittany: So the dress was too tight?

Eleanor: It fit comfortably, but was very unflattering

Brittany: How? I made it in your size, and it has a similar fit to the ones Jeanette and I have

Eleanor: The whole corset style isn't the most flattering

Brittany: But you didn't _tighten_ the G-strings at all

Eleanor: If I _did_ , I would've look stupid. Remember when you thought it was a good idea to make me wear pink _spandex_?

Brittany: But it was _so_ funny! I even put a little pig nose on you when you _weren't_ looking

Eleanor: It took me _all day_ to figure that out. _That's_ why people were laughing at me in the halls

Brittany: While you were asleep that morning, I put waterproof makeup on you. That way, you _couldn't_ wash it off

Eleanor: Do you _still_ wear that outfit?

Brittany: No, you stretched it out so much that it _won't_ fit right. I was hoping you'd wear it on Halloween

 **48\. Speaking of Halloween, everyone must choose their own costume**

Alvin: ?

Simon: Our first one with the girls, you and Brittany tricked Eleanor and Theodore into wearing _embarrassing_ costumes that you picked

Alvin: They both seemed _fine_

Simon: They were _blushing_

Alvin: I couldn't see Eleanor because of the _pink_ makeup

Simon: The makeup gave away that Brittany helped. I thought at first it was _just_ you

Brittany: I was caught pink-pawed

Eleanor: It took me _days_ to wash the makeup off, so I looked I was embarrassed for that time, which was true

Theodore: It took me two hours to get the costume off

Brittany: Is spandex that hard to take off?

Eleanor and Theodore: Yes

 **49\. Don't block the good hiding spaces**

Brittany: You mean the ones you two can actually fit in?

Simon: I think they meant within the house

Brittany: You mean the pantry, the pantry, and under the bed

Eleanor: You broke rule 45

 **50\. Brittany should be nice**

Brittany: ?

Eleanor: Everyone agrees, except Alvin of course

Simon: I got _two million_ signatures on for that

Jeanette: I got paper signatures from the _entire_ neighborhood

Brittany: If I was _nice_ , I _wouldn't_ be _me_

Simon: Would you like us to get signatures from the _entire_ _city of Los Angles_?

Brittany: _No_

 ***** Suidae is the family pigs are classified in, hence the word _swine_. The lipstick on a pig is an old prank that has been reduced to a joke, but Alvin always takes things too far. The comeback by Brittany plays on a running gag seen in chapters 1 and 4.

 ****** By definition, angels, called the Anglicised cherubim in their natural form, are not even human, but appear as human to other humans on earth. Angels are present in the big three monotheistic religions; Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. While I have not studied the Qur'an, I have studied the Torah and new testament, which state that angels appear as average men to humans. I read the entire text of the latter two, and found that there is no mention of nudity or femininity at all associated with angels.

 ******* I do not know whom decided to make angels into naked women, but my guess is several talk-preists during the American Great Awakenings. I do not remember names, nor it it a commonly known event in the country's history, so I conveyed Protestantism by using its poster boy, Martin Luther

 ******** Okay, I'm going based on the CG films here, since the new cartoon could take place in several regions in the country based on foliage and weather. The central valley mentioned is California's Central Valley, the state's center of agriculture throughout its history. That would be about a 200-250 mile throw, since it is clear that Dave lives in Los Angeles. Sacramento would be close to a 600 mile throw. Quebec, here could either be the city or the Canadian province it is located in. Depending on the route, exact measurements vary but they are at least 4000 miles each. I also played on Eleanor's athletic tendencies, which were never shown in the CG films.

 ********* Javelin throwing only was an event for two or three modern Olympic games, the first took place in the late 1880s, so I deducted that it was still the 19th century during the last games featuring the sport


	6. Cyan brainpower: Rules 51-60

_Author's note: This is a theme chapter, and I plan on doing some more of them. This is the anticipated Jeanette/Simon lab safety chapter. Enjoy!_

Dave texted Jeanette and Simon, asking them to lay out the lab safety rules in the house. "I'm not sure," Jeanette said. "We'd have to keep changing them for each experiment."

"We should start with the basics," Simon replied. "Like the ones in a high school chemistry class."

 **51\. No one is allowed down in the crawl space _but_ us**

Simon: This _includes_ Independence Day, _no_ exceptions *****

Jeanette: Our reference books were torn

Simon: The last time Alvin came down here, we had to _evacuate_ the house

Jeanette: It should explain itself

Simon: Now, our lock is a textured Rubik's cube ******

 **52\. Always pay attention to the task at hand (or paw)**

Jeanette: It's surprisingly hard to do

Alvin ^on main floor^ I just may be the lunatic you're looking for, turn out the lights, don't try to save me, you may be wrong, whoah oh oh, but-***

Simon: Please be _quiet_ Alvin! Or you will be a lab rat

Jeanette: You just want attention... ********

 **53\. We are only allowed to use a blowtorch or any other welding equipment if we are home alone**

Jeanette and Simon: ?

Alvin: You nearly set the house on fire!

Simon: To be correct, _you_ did, because _you_ took my blowtorch and used it _irresponsibly_

Alvin: Who _cares_? They're cool toys

Jeanette: You wore welding gloves and a mask, right?

Simon: I am sure he did _not_ , it was hard to tell because my glasses were off

 **54\. Do not touch any chemicals that were left out**

Simon: Surprisingly, Alvin is the reason for this rule sarcasm^

Alvin: Why am I sick again?

Simon: You just consumed a cyanide compound

Alvin: How do I feel better

Simon: It is _impossible_. Cyanide is a bio toxin

Jeanette: Of course Ellie and Theodore, who eat almost anything, _ignore_ the chemicals

 **55\. Do not play the urine sample joke on us**

Jeanette: It is _disgusting_ to handle urine.

Simon: Do you think we would _like_ to handle urine more often than necessary?

 **56\. Do not touch our projects**

Jeanette: This applies to _all_ of you

Simon: Alvin ruined a wind-powered airplane I was working on

Jeanette: Brittany put a whole saucer of influenza on her face

Simon: Apparently, we can become ill from influenza

 **57\. Do not complain if you become a lab rat**

Alvin: This rule was made for me

Brittany: I've had to do it enough times to behave

Simon: It is self-explanatory

 **58\. Always use gloves**

Jeanette: Most of the substances we use can damage fur or skin

Simon: We use teflon gloves in the lab instead of vinyl to reduce accidents *********

 **59\. If an accident occurs, wash it right away with soap and water**

Simon: If we wait, infection risks will increase

Jeanette: After, wash the wound out with saline and bandage

 **60\. Keep all equipment in working order**

Jeanette: Unkempt equipment creates more injuries

Simon: Do not forget to sanitize equipment as well after each use

Jeanette: The time in upkeep is worth preventing injuries

 ***** Independence Day in the US, July 4th, is celebrated with grilled meat and obnoxious fireworks. Most pets, even some humans like myself, are terrified by them. Especially since rodents are generally timid, I assumed that they would also be terrified of fireworks. The fireworks start as early as the second week in June and end almost a week after the holiday.

 ****** Textured, or texture pattern Rubik's cube, is not likely a real product. The idea makes it accessible to the colorblind and visually impaired. I tried solving a Rubik's cube and it was difficult, even for myself, as I normally great at noticing patterns and logic with great visual-spatial skills. Completing a Rubik's cube is the ultimate test of logic and pattern skills.

 ******* This song, You May be Right by Billy Joel, was actually covered by the Chipmunks in 1980, on the _Chipmunk Punk_ album, which I've had the pleasure of listening to today for the first time. I borrowed a copy, and there is absolutely no punk music whatsoever. It's mostly late '70s classic rock hits, I actually knew every song on side B of the album. I hope to listen to _Urban Chipmunk_ , an album released a year later, soon, as it has real country music and not the Keith Urban shit. The same person has a copy of that album, but otherwise has no others that I don't own yet.

 ******** I took this off of some top 40 station someone was listening to (my old place listened to it a lot), I think it's Attention by some guy named Charlie Puth, correct me if I'm wrong.

 ********* I've used Teflon and vinyl gloves for different uses. Vinyl is more porous and tears more easily.

 _Author's note: Sorry this chapter seems dry and short. I couldn't think of as much dialogue as the other chapters. Please send me rule ideas. In the chapters and comments, I don't care where you put it. I'm low on ideas and need your help. Thank you for reading!_


	7. Toby thyme: Rules 61-70

_Author's note: Another theme chapter coming your way. This time, it's Toby and his smell._

 **61\. Toby must do his own laundry**

Alvin: Even _I_ can't stand the smell

Simon: I thought he was homeless when we first met him

Theodore: I think he's worn the same clothes for a month

Brittany: Do you know how many air fresheners we had to _try_ to mask his smell?

Eleanor: Surprisingly, Pine-scented floor cleaner works best

Jeanette: ...but is _terrible_ for the respiratory system *****

Alvin: His clothes smell _worse_ than him

 **62\. Toby must wear cologne or body spray between showers**

Eleanor: I'm not sure if _he_ or the _cologne_ smells worse...

Brittany: He wears Obsession for Men by Calvin Klein, which _attracts_ cats ******

Alvin: And that's the _best_ smelling cologne

Simon: Is that the reason why he _reeks_ of cat?

Jeanette: Most cologne _won't_ mask his smell. He emanates smell, much like Pavel Fyodorich Smerdyakov *******

Brittany: Have you met him?

Simon: He's fictional

 **63\. Do not use the iSmell app on Toby**

Jeanette: We made the application just for him

Simon: It detects the density of body odor, the kind that _only_ comes when dirty

Jeanette: We use it to check his cleanliness

Brittany: Since when is Toby _clean_?

64\. Do not pick up any of Toby's stray socks

Alvin and Brittany: ?

Jeanette: Those things are torture devices

Alvin: _You've_ been in one?

Jeanette: Yes

Brittany: I'm grateful that most socks are stretchy. Our little siblings can _actually_ fit in them

Eleanor: It's very tight in there, I could _barely_ breathe

Alvin: You're being a drama queen

Jeanette: She went to the vet for asphyxiation after that

Simon: Eleanor was on a respirator for a _week_

Alvin: For some reason, Theodore is _terrified_ of smelly socks

Simon: _You_ put him in one, didn't _you_?

Alvin: _I_ didn't do it

 **65\. Toby must wash several times when he showers**

Toby: ?

Brittany: ...with _lye_ soap

Simon: ...then bathe in acetic acid when he is finished

Alvin: ...start all over again

Eleanor: ...continue until skin is extremely irritated

 **66\. Monitor Toby when he showers**

Simon: What did I say about going in _there_?

Alvin: That rule _only_ applies to _Dave_

Eleanor: Believe it or not, he's in his 30s and _cannot_ shower by himself

Theodore: I've _had_ to help Eleanor and it's gross

 **67\. If Toby left food out, don't touch it without wearing a hazmat suit**

Eleanor: It could've been there for _weeks_

Brittany: It smells _terrible_

Jeanette: _Horrid_ would be a better term

Simon: I will get the protective gear

Jeanette: We don't even _have_ protective suits ********

Simon: We have gas masks with oxygen tanks, which is the amount of protection we would need

 **68\. Toby must get off his bottom for an hour a day**

Alvin: ^blows whistle while wearing a track suit^ Gimme twenty!

Brittany: I don't know what's more annoying, the whistle, or that Alvin can pull off _gym teacher_ clothes

Toby: ^still lying prone on the floor^

Alvin: ^blows whistle again^ I said _gimme twenty_!

Simon: Should we try having him stretch first?

Alvin: ^blows whistle^ Gimme twenty!

Eleanor: What Toby's doing is _yoga class_ compared to the exercise Alvin makes Theodore and I do

 **69\. Toby must eat vegetables**

Toby: ?

Eleanor: I _like_ vegetables and eat them. You _can_ too, Tobes

Toby: ^pinned down to table^ I hate vegetables

Eleanor: Well, these are curried vegetables. _Eat_ them

Toby: No!

Eleanor: ^shoves vegetables into Toby's mouth^ They don't taste _that_ bad

Brittany: Stop _eating_ his veggies, Eleanor!

 **70\. Toby isn't allowed to have Mountian Dew or any soda for that matter**

Toby: ?

Jeanette: Can you guess how dehydrated he is?

Simon: Liver failure?

Jeanette: Not yet. One of his kidneys already stopped working, and his pancreas is very close *********

Alvin: So, _when_ does he die?

 ***** For rodents, the flammable compounds that give pine its smell are dangerous to inhale. Long-term exposure can cause respiratory problems

 ****** 'Tis the first perfume I could think of. That perfume has compounds that mimic hormones found in civets and felines. As prey animals, the chipmunks would be terrified of that smell.

 ******* A major character in Dostoevsky's The Karmazov Brothers, who is identified by his filth and epilepsy. The surname, Smerdyakov, is derived from the Russian word for _smell_. When he tries to polish up and smell nice, it doesn't cover his smell.

 ******** I took this line from the new cartoon, in the episode The Tree House. Alvin asks about a hazmat suit before going to see what chemicals were being used to kill the tree. Simon doesn't have any, so they go outside in snorkelling gear.

 ********* Liver, kidney, and pancreatic failure are symptoms of sever dehydration via soda consumption. Dry skin and heart problems are also associated with it. The heart problems and pancreatic failure are from the sugar and caffeine in a non-diet soda.

 _Author's note: Please send me more rules!_


	8. Distracting Dave: Rules 71-80

_Author's note: This theme chapter was suggested by SpyroDragonTime, as well as rules 73-74._

Alvin: I'm taking revenge...

Simon:..again?

Alvin: Yes, it's on Dave

Simon: What did I say about revenge?

Alvin: It makes you pera-nod *****

Simon: It's pronounced _paranoid_. For once, you remember something

 **71\. Do not mess with Dave's coffee**

Brittany: It's for our own good

Simon: I thought _Dave_ was obsessed with coffee until we went to the Arabian peninsula

Jeanette: He consumes less than most Americans

Simon: In volume, he likely consumes more _coffee_. Most American coffee is flavored, sweetened milk, _not_ actual coffee

Alvin: ^being chased by Dave^ Help!

Simon: Did you spike Dave's coffee again? ******

Alvin: umm...no, I didn't

72\. Please let Dave sleep

Alvin: My little brother doesn't trust _me_ when he has nightmares. How cruel

Simon: To be fair, Theodore has _no_ reason to trust _you_ in general

Alvin: Are you saying that _I'm_ not trusty?

Simon: I think you meant _trustworthy_. You are not only manipulative, but passive-aggressive as well. Nobody trusts _you_

Jeanette: I thought Odysseus was mythological and three thousand years old *******

 **73\. Monitor Dave when he makes his coffee**

Eleanor: He got up to make coffee, he grabbed the old one with filter and put it on the counter. He then grabs a new filter to put coffee grounds in and then throws that away. He then puts the _old ones_ back in to make coffee. Latter he says that the coffee is a little flat

Jeanette: I wanted those for the garden

Simon: Alvin once replaced the water in the coffee maker with beer, which was courtesy of Toby ********

 **74\. When letting Dave drive, make sure to check his keys**

Simon: He used the _car_ keys to attempt to open the front door _multiple times_

Brittany: He used the _house_ keys to start the _car_

Alvin: But it was sooo funny!

 **75\. Let Dave use the restroom alone**

Alvin: This rule was made for _me_ , right?

Brittany and Simon: Yes!

Eleanor: You two _agree_ with each other?!

Brittany: It's _embarrassing_ , but yes we _do_ agree on some things

Simon: ^glares daggers at Brittany^

Dave: I don't want you staring at my privates, Alvin. I need privacy when doing hygiene tasks

 **76\. The iBend is banned**

Dave: Alvin bent my iPhone in half, but the screen didn't break

Alvin: ^bending an Android phone^ hashtag bendgate *********

Jeanette: When Eleanor tried holding your phone during a call, it looked like a Salvador Dali painting after, but was still functional **********

Brittany: How can you _see_ a painting? You're basically _blind_

 **77\. So is the Macbyte*********

Alvin: _I_ didn't start this one

Simon: Actually, _you_ did. You told Theodore that Dave's Macintosh computer tasted like apples

Theodore: It tasted gross, _nothing_ like real apples

Simon: Now, you made it into an Internet challenge. Now people _eat_ detergent pods as well

Alvin: The Tide pod challenge wasn't _my_ idea ************

Theodore: Those things are the worst I've ever eaten

Simon: Alvin! I told you _not_ to trick Theodore into doing internet challenges

Alvin: But he'll basically eat anything, and can be tricked so easily

 **78\. No concerts when Dave is asleep**

Eleanor: This means _you_ , Alvin

Alvin: I can't practice guitar at night

Simon: If you did not use the amplifier, you would *************

Brittany: His guitar riffs are getting better

Jeanette: He can _only_ play in the key of C

Simon: Do you know how hard it is to transverse keys _after_ you've written a song?

Brittany: I forgot how percussion can only be played in _one_ key, which _isn't_ C major

Simon: I just wanted us to _all_ play in the _same key_. I even adjusted my tuning to closer match Theodore's drum set **************

Alvin: No wonder why your guitar sounds so flat. You should just use a bass

Simon: I've played bass before, and it doesn't always go with a song

 **79\. Don't bother Dave's guests**

Alvin: ?

Simon: You _know_ exactly why ***************

Brittany: But we help with his mates

Jeanette: But they _never_ come back after you interrupt

Eleanor: You don't _help_ , Brittany. You make things _awkward_

 **80\. Do not mess with Dave's computer**

Jeanette and Simon: ?

Brittany: Remember when you two hacked into our record label's computers?

Jeanette: But the photofinishing Photoshopped our sister _too_ much

Simon: Remember when you girls' faces were replaced with human ones?

Brittany: It's ok for you to do it in that case, but to make Eleanor look more realistic _isn't_ acceptable

Alvin: I looked _terrible_ after being Photoshopped!

Eleanor: Britt, I look fine normally, _thank you_. There was so much Photoshop that I couldn't _recognize_ myself

Alvin: Would you girls like to know about a little run-in with the CIA before we knew you?

Brittany: Go ahead

Alvin: Simon hacked their systems to update info, since their info was from the 1980s or insulting to other cultures

Simon: If their data is not updated, how can they operate efficiently? And their statistics were very outdated ****************

 ***** A running gag in the new cartoon is for Alvin to mispronounce words, and I added it as a gag to this story. I also am used to correcting people's pronunciations, so those parts were easy for me to write.

 ****** Spiking is an American English slang term for sneakily adding alcohol to something, typically a beverage. It is lesser used to describe sneaking harder drugs into beverages

 ******* I just reread the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, the second book has a play on words with Odysseus' trick name. I immediately thought to make an Odysseus joke, which is not likely what his name is. Many ancient and modern Greek names are both Latinised and Anglicised, the transcription likely being based on Οδγσσεος, Othgsseos. Odysseus was an ancient Greek hero known for his long journey home after the Trojan war, and unlike most heroes, he uses brains instead of brawn to help him out of dangerous situations. He is, like most ancient Greek heroes, a demigod (having mortal and godly parent), a son of Athena (wisdom and strategy goddess)

 ******** Black coffee with beer is an American mixed drink, called Irish coffee

 ********* Bendgate is a pun on Watergate, a cross-party spying scandal in the US during the 1970s. When the iPhone 6C came out, people reported its flexibility, including how it bends in pockets. There were parodies and memes related to the phenomenon, which took place in 2015/16.

 ********** Salvador Dali, a famous 20th century painter, had surreal scenes in his paintings. The bending phenomenon is shown in a painting, which shows clocks melting. This comparison was used in the bendgate parodies.

 *********** Yet another pun with Apple. Their laptops are called Macintoshes, or Macs for short. A byte is a unit of digital storage, and consists of only nine switch pairs. I used _byte_ as a pun for _bite_ , since laptops are electronics. The whole "bite into a Macintosh", sounds like it'll be the next internet challenge. The challenge could also be called the iByte.

 ************ There is a legitimate trend of young people eating detergent pods for fun. It's called the Tide Pod Challenge.

 ************* On an electric guitar, the acoustic effect is lower, so in order to perform with it, an amplifier (or modified speaker) must be used.

 ************** It is true that percussion cannot be played in the key of C major. The phenomenon Simon described, adjusting for other instruments, is relatively common, especially with untunable instruments, such as brass and percussion. My high school music teacher has had to do it countless times.

 *************** This, if you haven't figured it out already, is Alvin's attempt to create romance in the first CG film between Dave and his ex-girlfriend Claire Wilson.

 **************** The CIA factbook is more outdated than Wikipedia. An assignment I did in the winter of 2017-2018 for my economics class suggested using it. The last time their info had been updated was over ten years before, if you're lucky. They haven't updated their France or Israel page since 2006 or 2007 at the time of writing.


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